“Our son is turning thirteen and we have no idea where to start.” I hear this all the time from families planning a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in Los Angeles, and my answer is always the same: don’t start with the venue. Everyone wants to start with the venue, but don’t.
Start with the date. Call your rabbi or your synagogue first, because the date is usually tied to the Torah portion your child is going to read, and everything else gets built around it. Check it against Shabbat, the holidays and the school calendar before you book a single thing. Bar Mitzvahs are at thirteen. Bat Mitzvahs are at twelve in a lot of communities and thirteen in others, so ask what yours does.
Then, and this is so important, write your date down with the school. Let them know you’re planning an event that day so other families can see it. I always have mommies call me saying, “Oh my God, it’s his birthday that weekend and somebody already planned an event!” Listen, there are always going to be other events. It’s Los Angeles. But you want to do what you can, and letting the school know early is the easiest thing you can do.
Once you have your date, your child needs to start learning. That usually means working with a tutor or cantor, often about a year ahead depending on your synagogue. Please don’t push this to the side while everyone gets excited about themes and merch. This is the actual reason for the whole celebration.
Date, learning, budget. Everything else comes after.
Then pick a budget, and make it a real one. Don’t use the number you hope it will be, or the number your cousin spent three years ago, because everything has gone up. Once you know your number, every decision after it gets so much easier.
Now the big question: is this an adults-only event, or adults and kids? This changes everything, including the venue, the layout, the food, the entertainment and the timeline. Kids want a DJ, dancing, activities and a lot of energy. Adults want a real dinner and to be able to hear each other talk. Put a hundred thirteen-year-olds and your parents’ friends in the same room and you basically have two parties going at once. Both ways work, but you have to decide early.
And last, how fancy do you want it to be? A Kiddush lunch after services, a daytime party and a black-tie evening are three totally different events with three totally different budgets. There’s no right answer, so pick the one that feels like your family and your kid. Once you know all of this, go look at venues. Now it’ll actually make sense.
BTW, WHO’S PLANNING YOUR EVENT? #THEVENTBAR
